Number 2, Motherfuckers!

Forbes

Space penguins' reaction: "cautious optimism"

The space penguins of pluto breathed a collective sigh of relief when it was announced yesterday that pluto is indeed a planet, thus protectiong them from the Mongor armada that was poised to invade.

The gist of the decision is that Pluto is a Dwarf planet, as is the former moon Ceres and as is UB313. (Not to be confused with UB-40 the once popular pop reggae group).

The Mongorian overlord Robocheney could not be reached for comment.

Survivor: 1920

It what can only be decribed as a desperate ratings grabbed for a struggling TV show (Yeah right) the next season of Survivor has promised to be the most racially charged yet! Huzzah!

Contestants will be divided by race into four groups, Whites, Asians, Hispanics (AkA Mexicans) and Blacks. Apparently the creator doesn't see a problem with it, as this is a response to people complaining that the show wasn't "Ethnically Diverse".

This is the worst idea ever. [LINK]

Oliver

If ever there were a religion I could get behind, I believe it would have to be led by this fellow, Oliver: The Humanzee. Now this fella here isn't something that I made up while tripping in the woods (like the space penguins) but an actual, honest to goodness Humanzee. Oliver's story, like so many other Humanzee's, is a tragic tale of lies, deceit, and poo flinging.

Oliver was unlike many of his monkey bretheren. He stood up straight, had human like features, and had the stoic attitude that is an earmark of people.

On a tour of Japan, he was touted as the missing link between humans and monkeys. Oliver was eventually purchased, ripped away from his home (where apparently he wanted to hump his owner) . The most tragic part of his life was when he finally had his DNA tested and was proven to be nothing more than a normal Chimpanzee, in no way special except he acted a little bit different.

The little fucker is still alive today, no doubt not dragging his knuckles in some cage somewhere. He is considered a disgrace to humans for his inability to blend in with the common population, and a disgrace to monkeys everywhere who see him as a sellout, referring to him as a "House Monkey".

Live long in your metal cage, my sweet prince.

On another note I will no longer be spell checking my posts, as I am sick of Spellcheck.net suggesting I replace "Fucker" with "Fickler".

From the Front...

My brother who is a corporal/E-4 working in aviational supply in the USMC has agreed to send the occasional post over telling us of his exploits over in Iraq. He will be sent over at the beginning of October and no doubt his exploits will make for an interesting read. (Note: Not actually my brother to the left. He doesn't wear glasses.) It's important to note that he will probably have different opinions of things, and I would tend to defer to him for all maters related to Iraq, for I am but a lowly hippie. My experience with soldiers' blogs is that they tend to give a much more fine tuned/less whole/more accurate view of what is going on in Iraq.

What does my brother do? According to him

"i work for mag-39 mals-39 aviational supply, CMD, RSB NCOIC."

Apparently this is some kind of strange foreign robot language because I have no idea what it means.

X-Men: Dat dere don't look so good

Filed under: Rant
Back, a long time ago, balls freshly dropped I would wake up every morning at 7:00, something I do rarely (See: Never) nowadays to stare at a flashing picture box and watch my favorite cartoon in the world: X-Men. It was by far the most popular one on TV, so popular that Disney pretty much ground it into the dust by the fifth season cutting animation and writing budgets.

Years passed, and X-Men was taken off the air, receiving a very limited syndication on the Disney Channel or some shit like that. Recently I obtained a copy of the complete series which is still unavailable on DVD. I Tell you this: It did not hold up. So there it is, yet another facet of my childhood that I now consider to of been nothing but a ritalin induced hallucination. I can now pretty much put this alongside with action figures, roleplaying, and Valiant comics with things that just aren't cool anymore.

It's sad though, seeing now what I thought was the greatest cartoon on the goddamn planet for the first time ine years, and realizing how my tiny brain at the time interpereted what is now a steaming pile of koala shit. What were once great storylines are now convoluted hacks of the comics. The voice acting sends chills up my spine, and worse than anything, the animation looks like a retard using flash animation. And this is all the earlier, better animated episodes as well. I fear to even think of what the later stuff looks like.

That being said, if you haven't allready you should check out the two Ultimate Avengers movies, both of which I found to be surprisingly entertaining and well done. They are toned down PG-13 versions of the comics (No wife beating or decapitations) but are a much truer adaption than I would of hoped for.

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So, after the third straight day of non news, watching the networks focus on a dude taking a trip on an airplane, the situation in Iraq seems to of (gasp!) worsened. One of the few success stories there (The relative stability in the north Kurdish controlled areas) is looking like it may become another clusterfuck. Both Turkey and Iran have started working together blowing up the Kurds in their respective countries and even taking a few potshots into Iraq, a country currently occupied by tens of thousands of U.S. Soldiers. Both Iran and Turkey expressed frustration at America's reluctance to handle the guerilla groups that have been launching attacks from Iraq into Turkey, and Turkish officials have also hinted that may be heading into Iraq in what would be a large-scale invasion.

I can't totally blame them, it would be better than the reason we went in.

Time to brush up on your Mandarin

Recently, in the Google Earth community (I didn't realize they had a community...) someone happened across yet another interesting tidbit of something a country probably didn't want people to see. A scaled replica of what was later discovered to be a portion of land near the India/China border [Google Earth link]. While it may only be a tiny mountain range, it still measured an astounding 900x700 meters! Way bigger than my dad's toy train village ever got! The replica was discovered a tiny little Village called Huangyangtan, which is chinese for "Birthplace of the apocalypse" one could only asume... [Link]

Pluto: Planet or hunk of crap?

Well, later today all those nifty scientists will be putting on their finest labcoats and meeting in Prague to decide the fate of pluto. Apparently there are some leftwing extremists that want pluto to stay a planet when we all know the real truth: If it doesn't have America on it, it ain't God's planet.

So I pose this question to you, dear reader(s?). Do we save pluto so that the space-penguin inhabitants may live another 5,000 years, or do we declare it a non-planet, allowing for the annexation by the villainous Mongor race of reptile men?

"You do your thing, I'll shoot a bear in a cage"

So, I have always considered myself quite the sporting chap, always one to enjoy a good fox hunt or a quick foray into the northern barrens to go hawking. That's why it greatly offends my fine southern (Minnesota) upbringing when someone actually has the nuts to pump a few rounds into a bear, especially a tamed one. The "Gentry" in "Montgomery Gentry" decided to do just that. Apparently he didn't have the time to actually hunt a bear down, so instead he made a video to fake the hunt then shot a bear in a cage. The tame kind even, you know, the ones in the shriner hats? I presume that's what tipped the police off, a federal grand jury recently handed the smack down on him. The potential punishment is five years in jail and a $20,000 fine. Something tells me he won't be doing the jail time, and needless to say $20,000 is 4X the amount he paid for the bear in the first place. Who the fuck pays $5,000 for something then shoots it? A real man's man. Now I may be a pretty liberal dude, but I've never had anything against hunters, and I think it's stupid for anyone who eats meat to criticize them. But this is far, FAR from hunting. [LINK]